Thursday(244-173-18)

Blog was down yesterday morning so here I am a day late. Well, I heard from Kumud. She called at 3:30am yesterday morning. I think what it all boils down to is that she wants to come home and I think she was looking for a place to stay. I told her I was living with someone....I know it a lie but I did not want to have her here with me. She asked about the kids and if I knew where they were or how they were doing. She seemed a bit upset when I told her that I did not know. I mean HELLO...THEY ARE YOUR KIDS....I am not the one who took off and left the kids for 13 years. I guess there is something "wrong" with Jenny and she wanted to know what it was and I told her I did not know. Well lets see if she calls back.

Tuesday(242-171-16)

Not a good night for sleeping last night. I went to bed around 10pm and then my phone rang at 2 am I jumped out of bed thinking it was Kumud calling and by the time I answered the phone they had hung up. I knew I should of grab my cell phone and put it by my bed but I guess I was not thinking. Then the cell phone went off and by the time I grabbed it, it also had stopped ringing. So after that I was up for good.....Work is going to tough today as I am so tired. I have to remember what Misty said and remember to keep myself healthy. I really don;t need another trip to the hospital.

Monday(241-170-15)

I slept pretty good last night. I thought I was going to be up and awake all night but I fell asleep right away and then slept right till my alarm went off.

I still don't know what I am going to say to Kumud when she calls again. I know I want to yell and hollar at her but who am I to judge what she did and why she did it? I do not know the true situation about why she left , all I know is that she did leave and left me struggling to try to raise 2 kids the best that I could.

Easter(240-169-14)

Ok....I think right now I am in a total state of shock. I mean after all these years hearing from her. Kumud....and of all days on Easter Sunday....its like someone has rose from the dead in my own real life....I need to talk to Pedro so bad....I am almost freaking out here.....I come home from moms and dads and her voice is on my answering machine....I don't know what to say.....or think......shit.......I do want to give her a piece of my mind.....I am going to have to type more on this tommorrow right now I can't even think straight.

Saturday(239-168-13)

Its all quiet here. I just got back from Easter Vigil Mass. I think that this Mass has to be my favorite Mass of all. From the re-telling of creation to the Celtic Alleluia to the Baptismal promises, all the signs and symbols used during the Mass. I sat in the dark church watching as the Easter Candle was processed up the asile and how from that one flame of that candle the whole church was iluminated. It brought a tear to my eye thinking that God LOVES us so much that he sent his only son to suffer and die for US, because he loves us so much. As I saw the flame of the Easter candle being shared with everyone it was from that light that the Love of God is shared with all. It does not matter what Religion you are...be it Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Methodist,......we all worship the same one true living and risen Son of God.

Good Friday(238-167-12)

Last night went good. My voice was a little shaky but I hit every note perfectly. Today is going to be even harder as I am singing without any musical "back-up" so all they are going to hear is just my voice alone. I know the song down cold lets just hope I hit all those high notes.

Wednesday(236-165-10)

Slept fairly well last night. Got a phone call from Anna around 9 to see if I knew everything that I am doing this weekend. She claimed she had a bad dream and that I knew none of the music.... LOL now she is dreaming about me.....

Elizabeth and Ondrea I think are coming in the store today for Lunch. We have not been together like this in AGES. I guess we are going to try to drag Betty to go with us also.

Tuesday(235-164-9)

Up and awake this morning. Slept pretty good last night. Got a phone call last night. He was telling me that maybe he was wrong in some of his decisions in the past few weeks. He also told me that he was going to start going back to church. I hope he really tries to listen to his heart and what it is telling him,

Monday(234-163-8)

Well I think it official. He did not call last night so I do believe he took what I said to heart. I can't say that I am realy upset about it. I knew it was coming. I do wish him all the best and hope that he will take to heart everything that I have told him about his relationships not only with me but with his family.

Sunday(233-162-7)

I guess Sundays are turning out to be the day that I sort of turn this blog into a Religious/introspective blog.

It is Palm Sunday/Passion Sunday and my whole feeling other than how scared/frightened I would be if I was living at that time knowing what we all know about Jesus at that time,was I that I was very sad for Peter. He must of felt horrible to have know that he denied Christ 3 times when he was one of Christ followers. 3 separate times he LIED and said he never knew the man....I started thinking how many times have a denied someone? Is there occasions at work where I deny someone my quality of work because of the way they look,or the way they act. How do I know if that shabbily dressed person is really someone else in disguise. Why do I not treat everyone with dignity and Respect that we all deserve. I think about all the blacks throughout history and am saddened by everything thing that they were denied. Who knows, we might of had a cure for cancer but because of the color of a persons skin they were denied the opportunity to attend college.

Lord, please help me not to deny anyone. Help me to see the you in them no matter who they are. Amen

(231-160-5)

Yuck....another night with very little sleep. At least when I have to sing on Good Friday I will know my music....it seemed that when I did fall asleep all I drempt about was the songs I am doing.

It looks like it snowed quite a bit again last night. I am so ready for these cold temps. to be over with. I want spring to be here NOW!!!

(230-159-4)

Felt like again last night that I had no sleep. Allthough I went to bed at a decent hour I still keep wakimg up again and had a hard time falling back asleep each time. I normally am up and awake before my alram goes off each morning but this morning I slept untill it went off.

Have to go in for practice again to night. Anna wants to make sure I know the music for next Thursday. I find it hard to believe that this Sunday begins Holy week.

(229-158-3)

Not a real restfull sleep last night. I kept waking up and everytime I woke I would lay there in bed thinking and not be able to fall asleep. It felt like once I fell asleep again I would wake up and start the cycle all over again.

When I got up this morning I did bike for 3 miles. I am upping the distance I go. It seems to be working as I lost another 2 pounds this morning. I am only going to try to weigh myself once a week if I do it more it seems I get discouraged a bit as I am not seeing the results I want quick enough.

Tuesday(228-157-2)

I had a good 6 hours of sleep last night. The most I have had in a long time. I came home from vespers service and just crashed. I am happy that I have nothing to do this evening..nowhere to be..noplace to go,,,just going to come home from work and crash. I wish my health was better that I could just survive on a few hours of sleep like I use to but my body is wearning out I think. Too many kidney infection...to many trips to the doctor....YUCK

Monday (227-156-1)

Bad night for sleeping last night. I only have myself to blame for that. I tired talking with someone about things last night and I should of left well enough alone. Not only did this person not want to hear from me, they hung up on me. So I guess I am the complete ass that I know is in me. The one who everyone says is fucking stupid...Yup that would be me.

Sunday (Music)

Music....what can stir a soul more? From the gentle soothing tones of a lullabye sung to a sleeping child....To the passionate angery struggle of those oppressed. Music is what set the world spinning. If you notice even when you are not singing your voice is melodic. The inflection of your voice raising and falling is just music without the notes.

I noticed today in Church how much music can move people. I saw people with tears in their eyes as a piece of music was played. I myself found that even I was moved to emotions when singing certain songs. The song "I love you and you are mine" will always bring a sad sort of smile to my face as that is one of the songs that we sang at Micks funeral. The song sung during Advent "Oh come Oh come Emanuaell" still makes me think of my Grandma "Busha" how she loved that song.

Music play a bit part in my life if you have not noticed.. I can recall singing when I was around 3 years old and getting praised for my voice I guess that why I kept singing...what does does not LOVE to hear praise? In my life I think I can honestly say that music is the one thing that I do and I do very well. I love the fact that I can pick up a new song and listen it to it once or twice and then know it. Its hard to believe that I do not read music. Music just comes naturally to me.

I guess I will end this little blog on music with a poem that I has once written for a friend. "Music ever drifting through my life. Touching the very soul of who I am. From my heart to your ears may the song live on"

Saturday

So its like 3 am in the fricking morning and I cannot sleep. Much too many thought going through my head. I so wish I could talk to someone....anyone who would fricking listen to what I have to say. This is so damm fustrating. No one seems to care or fucking understand what I may be feeling....what I might be thinking and it angers to me think that I have come this far in my life for what??? FUCKING NOTHING!!!! All my friends seem way to busy to concern themselves to even see how I might be doing...You know....I am always there for them when in the hell is it going to be my turn for someone to be there for me? This is so useless...I try to talk to Marilyn and her only concern seems to be HERSELF and her family.....if I try to mention 1 dammm thing about me and my life she is so damm quick to make sure to tell me how easy I have it and I have no worries what soever because I do not have a family to worry about.....Well Mer thanks for pointing out the FUCKING OBVIOUS thanks again for once reminding me that I am doomed to alone for the rest of my fucking life....

I tried to start some sort of conversation with Pedro and it appears he does not want a fucking thing to do with me either.....WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????? I told him all along even when I was falling in Love with him was that if I could not have him then all I wanted was his friendship. He was so good for me as a friend or at least I thought he was and now what do I have???? Nothing......and that hurts more than anything.....because I knew at one time what I had and now its gone. Sometimes I wonder what the point is.....Why in the heck did God bring Pedro into my life just to allow myself to be hurt by him? Why would he do something like that?????

I guess need something....Hell I don;t know what I need....Iknow what I want and it seems that I just can't have that. I want good health and it seems that I get sicker...I want good friends and I am a good friend to many or so I think I seem to be but are they there for me? ARGGGGGGGG I dont know if I am even making sence any more....I am so tired I just want to go to sleep and sleep forever.

Friday

TGIF TGIF TGIF I keep repeating this little mantra to myself this moring. I am so happy its Friday. It has been one long hard and sad week. Tish asked me yesterday if I wanted a "do-over" for the week and I said you know...I don't think so as it would mean having to go to Micks funeral all over again.
I have no real huge plans for the weekend, just taking Miss Emily to get her picture taken tommorrow and then Sunday going in for extra practice for Holy week music.
Ok Lets all repeat it again....TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF

Thursday

Had quite a long talk yesterday with Shirley, discussing Mick's funeral and how much Pat's life is going to change now that Mick is gone. I told her that I felt that someone needed to sit down with Jenny and Dave and inform them that they are NOT to be using their mother. That she is at a very vulnerable point in her life and not to take advantage of her. Shirley said that she had been felling the same thing and actually tried talking to the kids before Mick died but they did not want to listen to her. I certainly hope the kids have some sort of common sense and get a CLUE!

Tonight is choir practice. Anna is giving me some new music to try to lean for Holy Thursday. I will be cantoring the majority of the Mass and doing a solo during the part of where we receive the reception of the Holy oils.

Wednesday

Yesterday was very hard. It was a touching funeral service for Mick. I still cannot believe that he is gone. I keep expecting to see him come walking around a corner saying "How you'all doing?" I am so going to miss that. I think sometime this week I am going over to check on Pat and make sure she is eating etc....I guess thats all I can do...That and Pray.....

Tuesday

Had pretty wierd dreams again last night. I drempt I was lost and noone was out looking for me. I was wandering around in a daze and it seemed that noone cared. How sad is that? I certanily hope that if I ever got "lost" like that someone would stop whatever they were doing and find me.

Monday night

Very hard night. Went to the funeral home and helped with the Vigil Service for Mick. He was such a good man taken too soon from this earth. Tommorrow is the funeral. I am very thanfull that I am only working a half day. Its going to rough going.

Monday

I think last night was the first night in ages that I got a good nights sleep. Woke up this morning feeling somewhat re-freashed. Got on the bike and went 3 miles and was done beofre the news even started so I guess thats a plus.
Tonight I have to sing for Vespers again and then after that back to the funeral home. Mick's funeral is tommorrw at 11am and I am very thankfull that work understtod that I needed to attend this, so I am only working a half day tommorrow.

Sunday

MILLER - Milton L. (Mick) Miller, aged 57, of Kentwood, passed away peacefully after a brief battle with cancer Thursday, March 3, 2005. He is survived by his loving wife and best bud of 30 years, Patricia Miller; his children, Kimberly Miller of Kentwood, Jennifer (Michael, Jr.) Crame of Holt, MI, David Miller of Wyoming; grandchildren, Jasmine and Jade Miller, Alexandria Crame, Ariel Merrill; brothers and sisters, Andrew (Buck) Miller, Sharon Casares, Kelly (Victor) Muguerza, all of Texas; mother-in-law, Shirley Haugen; brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law; special aunt, Mary Quider; many nieces and nephews. The Mass of Christian Burial will be offered Tuesday at 11:00 a.m. at St. John Vianney Church, 4101 Clyde Park SW, with Fr. Loc Trinh and Fr. Larry King presiding (meet at church). Interment Rest Lawn Memorial Park. Members of the family will receive relatives and friends Sunday 7 to 9 p.m. and Monday 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m. at Matthysse Kuiper DeGraaf Funeral Home (Wyoming South), 4031 Clyde Park SW, Wyoming. A Vigil Service will be held at 8:00 p.m. Monday at the funeral home. The family suggests memorial contributions be made to Gilda's Club. Condolences may be sent online at www.mkdfuneralhome.com
Published in the Grand Rapids Press on 3/6/2005.

Friday

I did not type very much this morning as I was extremely tired. Now I am home after a LONG day at work and from dinner with Mer and the kids and I am not as tired.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. Pat called me just before I left for work and let me know that Mick had died just a few hours before. He did get a chance to see the Easter basket the kids had made for him before he died. Pat said it brought a tear to his eye when he saw all the butterflies that they had made. She cried when she saw the picture that Matthew had made for "Mr Mick" as Matthew loved to call him. After work I went to Pats house to be with her for a bit...To give her some sort of comfort. This is going to be a very hard time for her. While I was there my cell phone rang and it was Anna K wondering if I was still at work. I told her where I was and she said ummmm I actually called to talk to Pat I do not have her number do you mind if I talk to her? I of course said ok and handed Pat my phone...She seemed very shocked to be receiving a call on my cell phone....To make a long story a little shorter they discussed the funeral music that Mick had wanted and who Pat wanted to cantor for the Mass. I had already said no to that as I was going to be way too emotional for that. When I got home there was a message for me to give Anna a call back and when I did she said she wanted me to cantor the prayer service at the funeral home...I told her as long as I thought I could hold it together I would. So it looks like Monday night I will be doing vespers first at church then going over to the funeral home to do the prayer service. Funeral will be Tuesday at 11:00 am at St. John Vianney. I think Pat said last night that both Fr Larry and Fr Loc would be co-celebrating the mass together. Mick would of LOVED that.

Lord be with Pat and her family as they start this new chapter in their life. Help them not to focus on the loss but on the wonderful memories and the good that Mick did in this world. Grant them to see Mick in others that the meet and the good that they do. Help them know that they do not travel this road alone but are always surrounded by your loving presence and the healing only your touch can give. Help me do what is best for Pat to help her with her grieving let my ears and mouth reflect your Love. I ask this your your name. Amen

Friday

Well Mick is now in the peace of heaven. I got the call yesterday morning right before I went to work that he had just died. Looks like the funeral is going to be on Tuesday.

Thursday

Well up and awake another start to another day. Talked with Shirley last night. Apparently Mick only has days to live. The kids in class last night had a good time remembering Mick and making the Easter basket for him and Pat. After work today I am bringing them dinner and sitting with Mick for a bit.

Wednesday

No posts for yesterday because I was sick. I wish I could just push a button and be well. At least I am up and awake this morning. My earache is still here but my temp has gone down so that is a plus.

Wednesday

No posts or yesterday as I was sick all day. Wish I could just push a button and be well.