Saturday

So its like 3 am in the fricking morning and I cannot sleep. Much too many thought going through my head. I so wish I could talk to someone....anyone who would fricking listen to what I have to say. This is so damm fustrating. No one seems to care or fucking understand what I may be feeling....what I might be thinking and it angers to me think that I have come this far in my life for what??? FUCKING NOTHING!!!! All my friends seem way to busy to concern themselves to even see how I might be doing...You know....I am always there for them when in the hell is it going to be my turn for someone to be there for me? This is so useless...I try to talk to Marilyn and her only concern seems to be HERSELF and her family.....if I try to mention 1 dammm thing about me and my life she is so damm quick to make sure to tell me how easy I have it and I have no worries what soever because I do not have a family to worry about.....Well Mer thanks for pointing out the FUCKING OBVIOUS thanks again for once reminding me that I am doomed to alone for the rest of my fucking life....

I tried to start some sort of conversation with Pedro and it appears he does not want a fucking thing to do with me either.....WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????? I told him all along even when I was falling in Love with him was that if I could not have him then all I wanted was his friendship. He was so good for me as a friend or at least I thought he was and now what do I have???? Nothing......and that hurts more than anything.....because I knew at one time what I had and now its gone. Sometimes I wonder what the point is.....Why in the heck did God bring Pedro into my life just to allow myself to be hurt by him? Why would he do something like that?????

I guess need something....Hell I don;t know what I need....Iknow what I want and it seems that I just can't have that. I want good health and it seems that I get sicker...I want good friends and I am a good friend to many or so I think I seem to be but are they there for me? ARGGGGGGGG I dont know if I am even making sence any more....I am so tired I just want to go to sleep and sleep forever.